Dear normal men: REVEAL YOURSELVES!

You know how everyone always throws out that foolish “you’ll find someone when you’re not even looking!” line? Ya, well those people are liars and I do not love them. I can’t find or stumble upon a normal man to save my life! Also, and I've said this before, but people seem to think that I am a funny person, I am not. I'm genuinely not, my life just tends to be a joke...like a huge lol, rofl joke, things happen in my life that can only happen to me, like no one else will ever experience these things because they are reserved for me. But I digress..let's talk about the most recent highlight in the joke that is my dating life:

It all begins with a story: 

About 2 weeks ago I was traveling for work. I was in Jacksonville, NC. When we got there all I wanted was a beer and sleep…and to see cute military guys, but that’s different story. But, instead of immediately falling asleep I decided to go to the gym and get my jog on! I was so proud of myself! So here I go strutting on down to the gym and I’m on the treadmill doing a quick brisk walk for a warm up and all of a sudden I see this guy. He walks past the gym door, then turns around stares at me through the glass then comes right on in. [I can already tell this isn’t going to end well] I’m still doing my warm up walk at this point and he comes in and gets on the treadmill right beside mine, I already know he’s not there to work out as he’s in flip-flops and cargo shorts. As he’s walking to the treadmill however he looks at me and says “O, I see you. You a dread head. Long hair don’t care, right?” I looked at him absolutely baffled beyond all comprehension and said “I’m not sure what you’re saying.” So he gets on the treadmill and pushes the “quick start” button, but chooses not to move his feet, so the treadmill starts moving but his feet do not, so he goes flying off the treadmill. And all I can do is turn around (while still warming up, because let’s be honest his idiocy will not affect my fit) and I ask “Uhm…are you ok?” and he just nods and hops back on.

This is where the story gets interesting:

1) I start jogging (interesting because if you know me, you know I don’t jog)

2) He’s standing on the sides of his treadmill staring at me…not walking or anything just standing on the sides looking…awkward…he soon launches into a host of questions. Here’s how our conversation goes:

Him: So where you from?

Me: I’m from the Chapel Hill/Durham area.

Him: O, Chapel Hill…there’s a school there right?

Me: Yes. UNC-Chapel Hill.

Him: O, you play basketball?

Me: No.

Him: Hmm…(he looks at me confusedly)

[let’s remember I’m jogging at this point]

Him: Ahh, Ok. So where you from from?

Me: I’m from the Greensboro/Winston Salem area.

[because there was no way I was telling that creepy random guy where I was “from from”]

Him: O, there’s a college there too, right? ECU, right?

Me: No. That’s Greenville.

Him: O, ok. Well Winston definitely has their own school. You ever been to DC?

Me: No, is that where you’re from?

Him: No.

Me:…

Him: I’m from California. I’m just visiting.

[Why he’s “just visiting” Jacksonville I will never know]

Him: So you got a boyfriend?

[at this point this is all I can think: http://youtu.be/lENx8iQFABE?t=36s]

Me: YES! Yes I do! (I am very confident about my imaginary boyfriend)

Him: Ok…ya ya; that makes sense…what he look like?

[WHAT?????]

Me: I don’t see how that’s any of your concern.

Him: Ok ok.

[so not only am I hot and sweating and gross and did I mention sweating? But now I’ve got this creepy guy asking me loads of questions! Also, this is all taking place over about 20 minutes, sometimes he would just stand on the sides of his treadmill and watch me creepily, other times he would be walking on the treadmill, but I mean not too fast...he had it set at an appropriate 1.3. That way he could get his fit on and ask me 227 questions at the same time without getting tired. I mean makes sense.]

Him: You listen to rap?

Me: On occasion! (the ! is to tell you that I am practically out of breath and patience at this point)

Him: O that’s cool….

[about 3 minutes pass. he’s just a walking along at speed 1.3]

Him: You think I got a big forehead?

Me: WHAT IS HAPPENING RIGHT NOW?? AM I BEING PUNKED???

Him: What?

Me: I THINK YOU HAVE AN AVERAGE SIZED FOREHEAD, OK?

[Why is my life so hard?]

Then my jog was over and I could finally leave. For the logical and critical minds out there asking me why I didn’t leave earlier: my friend was there as well and I didn’t want to leave her with creepy man.  So basically as soon as she was done I ran away.

I told you all this story so you could better understand the struggle that is my life. I genuinely can’t meet a normal guy anywhere! I’ve met like 2 people that are normal since I started my online dating journey, but other than that…I’ve got nothing. Like seriously, even when I’m not looking for a guy it seems like all the creepy ones are explicitly searching for me. Sometimes I forget that there are normal guys out there! All I’m coming across are ones that do not understand social norms (i.e. jungle fever guy and this “let’s chit chat while you run” guy). I will persevere!...maybe.

O my.

The struggle is real.

xoxox,

Leigh

3 strikes.

It’s just all going so well and then BAM sadness and my general lack of faith in our societies young men hit me like a ton of bricks, or in this case: a ton of bad okcupid messages.

I have a very easy to understand policy when it comes to meeting up with someone from OKCupid.  My policy is a simple 3 strikes and then you’re out.

Let’s talk about how my most recent almost date got abruptly cancelled.

Strike 1:

He sent me 3 messages in a row. Now this may seem arbitrary but even doubling up can sometime warrant you a strike, but tripling up????? What are you trying to prove here? That you know how to use a computer? Let’s just all take a chill pill and mellow out some. Sending me 3 messages is a major strike.

[so far it’s only been one strike so it is safe to continue chatting…just do so a little wearily]

Strike 2:

This should have been the icing on the cake, this should have made up strikes 2 and 3 but I was trying to be open-minded! I was trying to not judge people.  After chatting for a bit I received:

“Do you like to cuddle?”

Now mind you this was random and out of the blue, we hadn’t been talking about cuddling (because why would we be?) and then just BAM! I didn’t respond to this message, instead I fell asleep sad at the world for giving a man too much courage that he felt bold enough to ask that.

Also, no. I freaking HATE cuddling.  It is the bane of my existence. So…looks like we were going to be at a standstill there anyhow.

[be a bit more concerned but know that they have 1 more strike]

Strike 3:

After chatting online we decided to exchange numbers. So we’re texting and I’ve almost forgotten about strikes 1 and 2 because he seems so normal and not weird and chill in a way that is cool. Then we get on the subject of college basketball (which if you know me, you know that UNC basketball is what I live for. I wake up every morning and pray that March hurries up and gets here.)

Well, he doesn’t cheer for UNC…(this should have been strike 3 but I’ve been told I can’t strike based on who you cheer for…I disagree but…). While he doesn’t cheer for Duke, he does cheer for Kansas…(if you know anything about college basketball you know why this is almost just as awful in some ways).

So we’re chit chatting about college basketball, it’s lighthearted and funny and I’m almost looking forward to our date the next day! Then he says, “well if we end up together we can buy one of those house divided license plate tags haha.”

The world stopped. Time stood still.

I just looked at my phone. Then I looked around my apartment. Then I looked at something else and then something else. Basically I was trying to find anything to look at that wasn’t that message. I figured if I looked around hard enough the text would disappear…it didn’t.  “if we end up together”????? WE HAVE NEVER MET BEFORE IN MY ENTIRE LIFE. All I could say to myself was well…this is awkward.

He also said in casual conversation, "well down the road we can do this".  DOWN WHAT ROAD?? What road? Where is that road? I'm not on a road. I'm in an airplane, in the sky as far away from a road as humanly possible. 

My roommate said it best, “it just seems like he’s trying to get married tomorrow and we’re NOT trying to get married tomorrow.”

So now I am stuck trying to find a super nice and casual way to cancel my date…

While I didn't go on the date he seemed like a pretty ok guy, I'm just not trying to get married tomorrow.

I think 3 strikes is 2 strikes too many but I am trying to be a more open-minded and accepting person. I’ve been told I’m a little picky, but hey YODO (you only date once).

More soon.

xoxo,

L. Fairley

Worst State for love

Hello world!

Sorry that it’s been a month since we last chatted but I was off attempting to be a real person (as we talked about earlier). I go to work at approximately 8:45 am if I’m not running late (which I typically am) and I usually get off around 5/5:15 pm. By then I am genuinely sooooo incredibly tired that I just can’t be bothered to get on OKCupid and deal with the absurdness and sadness that I KNOW will be there.

But I digress. As we have talked about before, OKcupid tries to be SUPER helpful…but they generally fail. I got this map via email a little while ago:

Basically this map sums up where I need to go to find true love…or at least get a date. This map is awkward for a MULTITUDE of reasons:

1. North Dakota…seriously…North freaking Dakota. No. Just no. Never. For those of you that know me you know I almost moved to North Dakota…maybe I should have?
2. NORTH CAROLINA DIDN’T MAKE THE LIST! What is my life?
3. North Dakota. I still can’t get over this.
4. Why are no real states on this list (except Virginia, potentially Rhode Island...but that's a little too far north for me)? I’m sad.
5. I really like Georgia and Washington...
6. No one needs to tell me that Wyoming is not a good look for me...trust me, I know. 

The funny thing about OKCupid is that they don’t tell you why all of these random states may suit you better than your current state; the entire list is quite arbitrary if we’re being totally honest about. Now don’t let the arbitrariness of the list trick you into thinking that I fully realized it was arbitrary (i.e.: when I saw that NC wasn’t a good state for me my initial reaction was “O God, I will die alone”) I get that that may have been a slight overreaction…but whatevs.

xoxox,

Leigh

I kinda tricked other people...

Hello everyone!

So when I write blog entry I normally just sit down and tell you all everything that is happening in my joke of an online dating experience and because I know you all (kind of), I just tell you how it is. If I miss a comma it’s ok, you all aren’t judging me (except my mother). The online dating world is a whole new type of game. You all probably know best just how many messages I have ignored because these young (and old) men say things like “hey gurl u cute. Its nice to talk to u” (it genuinely pained me to type that). After receiving loads of messages that look like that I made it my one and only goal to not sound ridiculous when sending messages. That’s genuinely my only goal here, not even to get a date anymore, but to trick people into believing that I am like super smart, classy, and speak English well. I tell you all of this in order to help you understand just how much of my messages are thoroughly planned out in order to make a potential suitor think I’m cool and educated.

This is a real conversation I had a couple of weeks ago with a friend:

Me: Ok so do I respond right away because he seems to be responding fairly quickly…

Her: Well, I mean give it a minute. We better start planning what you’re going to say now.

Me: Ok well he used a lot of words I’ve never heard of…hold on let me google this.

[About 15 minutes goes by of us creating a perfect message of me discussing my fondness for Dante’s Inferno and my love of Purgatory and Paradise, but how they are extremely underrated…(side note: I skimmed purgatory and paradise so I wouldn’t really know) and us having to google a few more words]

[My message ended with an invite for drinks at a local restaurant]

Me: So we’ve got the message.

[my friend proceeds to tell me to read it aloud to her making sure I say all the punctuation as it is typed in the message; i.e. “Hey comma I really liked blah blah blah too exclamation point" we had to make sure it sounded ok] 

Her: Sounds good to me.

Me: Great! Hmmm…do I end with period or an exclamation point?

Her: Throw him a bone, give that man an exclamation point, show some excitement. 

News Flash: in case you didn’t realize before, online dating is a group experience. Your friends are responsible for keeping you sane and your lovely online blogging community keeps it interesting and fun!

Turns out I had still misspelled a few things, but that's neither here nor there. I've looked back on some of the messages I have sent people and I can't help but to think, "Wow, Leigh you misspelled half of those words and it seems like you don't really "get" punctuation. Now, whereas a lot of people would assume that I have learned to be more forgiving after seeing my own mistakes, you would be wrong. Punctuation and spelling mistakes still get my goat.

xoxo,

Leigh

OkCupid tricked me and it made me sad.

OkCupid tricked me. It tricked me in a way that made me very angry. So you remember how I was saying that when someone sends you a message OkCupid sends you an email with the first line of the message (so I generally know in advance if I’m going to have a good OkCupid day or a bad OkCupid day). Well I got an email and the only line I could see gave me hope! It read, “Hey! What kind of science programs are you involved with? Science is cool! : )” I WAS SO EXCITED!! I was thinking “there’s NO way this guy is  a big, creepy, weirdo!” I have literally never been more wrong in my entire life. MY WHOLE ENTIRE LIFE. So I didn’t log in as soon as I got it, because you know I didn’t want to seem too anxious…so I waited about 12.5 minutes and then logged on, only to find that those 12.5 minutes of excitement about the potential of receiving a nice message from a guy who could be interesting was a complete and utter lie. This is what the full message said:

Hey! What kind of science programs are you involved with? Science is cool! : )

[I knew I was going to be upset when I saw he had typed more]

I gotta say, I’m a big fan of some jungle fever action; black women are great.

[has he lost his whole entire mind? Also, I don’t know what that means, but I know I’m angry.]

Are you up for drinks this week?

[I would sooner stab myself in the eye with a spoon]

Jim (name has been changed, even though I should have left it so if he ever reads this he can know I’m talking about him and his idiocy).

As you all sit with your jaws on the floor at this monstrosity of a message, let me tell you, my jaw was on the floor as well. I don’t understand people’s incessant need to say horrible things. Jungle fever? What in the world?? And the thing is, I didn’t respond, but I almost feel like I did society a disservice by not telling him that his lack of social skills were appalling. After further investigating his profile it turns out that he’s probably a sociopath…so…we dodged a bullet!...kinda…awkward. On a more serious note: being fetishized because I’m black is not a thing I will tolerate. You either like me because I am awesome, or you don’t. 

Any who…I went on a date last week (not with the sociopath, in case that wasn’t clear)! It was in no way whatsoever a love connection…it wasn’t even really a friend connection, but he was very nice (and as a dear friend of mine would say “being nice doesn’t get you any points, you’re supposed to be a decent human being”).  BUT I am going on a date tonight as well…so stay tuned to hear how it goes!

Next week we’ll discuss the absurd amount of time and thought that goes into an OkCupid message. I’ll give you hint: I had a 5 minute long discussion with my friend about whether to use a period or an exclamation point in a message…and that wasn’t the first time.

xoxox,

Leigh

Online dating pic do's and don'ts...scratch that, mainly just don'ts.

So a big part of online dating that everyone spends literally hours trying to do is picking a picture or pictures. There a few key elements to choosing a good picture and you would be surprised by how many people choose poor pictures.  I’ve included many pictures in this blog, but worry not! All of these pictures are of my friends who said I could use them for this purpose or of myself (sacrificing my pride here y'all).

Unhelpful/Bad pictures consist of:

1) Viewers not being able to see your face…like at all. I totally get this whole “let’s not be shallow! Let’s date people based on their personalities!” I understand that! But I think if you have 3 eyes I should know about it in advance. I see many pictures like this, people are wearing ski gear or they are scuba diving. It is nice to see that you do cool stuff but if a picture of you covered literally head to toe is your only picture, we’ve got some issues. A lot people choose pictures where they're doing really cool things or being super fit, which is awesome! except for the fact that that's not helpful. 

"Just getting my Rugby on"

"Skiing! Ya"

2) Pictures that only show your totally ripped abs or incredibly toned back…or that you’ve conveniently cut your head out of…I think this is just weird. Do we really need me to start my “put some clothes on” rant? But it’s more than that, it really is, I think the big question here is why have you specifically avoided the camera??? I just don’t think I’d go on a date with a guy if when we go on a date I have to just wait on you to come up and tap me. In addition to that, I’m assuming we’re going somewhere where a shirt and shoes are required…so that picture of your back is not as helpful as you’d think. The awkward part about is everyday I get messages from guys and the only picture they have up is a picture where THEY HAVE CROPPED THEIR HEAD OUT. It's just awkward for all involved.

Ya bruh! Checkout my striped shirt!

3) Pictures where you could one of 4-10 different people… I used the picture below because I am trying to illustrate a point, no matter how gorgeous you are (as the 4 ladies below are beautiful) if this is your only picture it leaves the viewer wondering hmm…which one of these people am I pursuing? It’s like when you were a kid and you got a cereal that had 1 of 4 different prizes and you didn’t care which one you got as long as you got one?? Well dating should NOT be like that…while all of your options may be great, it’s important to know who the heck you’re talking to. That bottom picture may seem like an exaggeration, but I have honestly seen pictures where guys are like "that's me just chilling on the beach." Seriously? Who? Where are you? There are 4000 other people on that beach and in that picture...you are being less than helpful. 

"That's me!"

"Just me and some friends"

4) I have mentioned this before but I will say it again and I will probably say it again later: if all of your pictures are awkward selfies then you have other problems to deal with…My general rule about selfies is I will give you one…ONE not two and definitely not three. Once you’ve gone beyond that we have a serious issue, and that issue is I’m not going to respond to your message…awkward…Also what is with people taking selfies and having the camera in front of their faces???? Doesn’t that defeat the purpose of a picture?  See examples of both below.

 "OMG selfies!"

I’m just saying, I genuinely think people have forgotten what the main purpose of a picture is…Your OKCupid pictures should demonstrate a few things:

1) You have friends.

2) You have friends that like going places or doing things with you.

3) You know how to properly dress yourself (i.e. you are wearing a shirt, unless you are swimming or are on a beach)

4) You’re a fun social person who knows how to at least kind of be seen in public.

  

Next week friends we’ll hear about the message that will rival ALL other messages I have ever received in my entire life. SPOILER ALERT: by rival I mean made me sad that he was a person that other people may have to talk to at some point in their lives (that may seem harsh but you will understand soon enough).

 xoxox,

Leigh