Tuesday, December 3, 2013

No. Just, no.

No promising relationship is going to begin with “hi”. I just feel that nothing good will ever come of that lack of a sentence. Unless your follow up message is “sorry I was just so stunned by your awesomeness I was rendered temporarily speechless, except for one sad ‘hi’”, but I normally don’t get that follow up so…then it gets awkward.

Things that make me uncomfortable:

When 41 year old men send me messages. 1) just when they send me messages in general 2) when they say things like “hope ur doin well”…I was doing well until you sent me sadness in the form of an OKcupid message…also, if you feel the need to follow said message up with “im 41”…then I think we both see the issue.  Also, when he wasn’t using “ur” HE WAS USING YOUR INSTEAD OF YOU’RE which equals an IMMEDIATE NO. No. Never. I. Refuse. I do have some standards! I love the English language and I don’t know why so many of our online man friends hate it. It’s upsetting.

Things people should keep to themselves:

I'm sure he gets sooo many dates by calling NC women snobby bitches…I can’t with idiots, and he’s quite clearly an idiot. (As a side note: Never thought I'd be sooo proud to be part of the 1%!!!)

He also screamed at me the entire time I read his profile…it appears he’s had some problems…:

Like why are you yelling at me? Was this one of those caps lock was turned on and he didn’t know how to turn it off deals or was he just screaming at me to scream? It also would seem like he does NOT want me to respond to him…we all know my only thoughts about this are: he needs a hobby AND a friend.

Finally, this happened:

He clearly missed the point, and I don’t have the energy to explain.



Sunday, November 3, 2013

Some things are better left unsaid.

I’ve been getting some dumb messages recently, even worse, I’ve been getting some dumb messages from guys that should NEVER message me. This isn’t coming from a mean place, as I am an equal opportunity dater; this is coming from a place of genuine concern for America’s future and myself.

Up first we’ve got Keith:

I almost don’t want to say anything, like can we just examine this gem of a message and not talk about it?  I just want to leave this out there for the world…but I won’t. Let’s dive on in, shall we?

Keith was so wrong from the beginning. He made so many mistakes. So. Many.

1) Where’s your punctuation, Keith? Where? What did punctuation do to you that has you so upset that you are just choosing to ignore it?
2) I am NOT your cutie pie. That is the worst. THE WORST, KEITH!
3) I am NOT looking for a teddy bear, Keith.
4) Keith needs to look at his life and look at his choices (and maybe reconsider how he approaches women online).

If that wasn’t enough to cause you a few heart palpitations let’s take a gander at our next young man:

You’re always walking a very fine line when answering questions online. You want to appear normal and sane and fit for dating, but you also don’t want to lie…too much.  Our friend from above could have lied…just a little.

1) If you’re not happy with your life then you need to get off of this website and start making some serious changes. I’ve got NO time for that.
2) WHY ARE WE HERE IF YOU NEVER WANT TO MEET IN REAL LIFE???? I am NOT looking for a pen pal.

And finally, we’ve got this gem:

Just why? Even before I began teaching kids science I knew that the Sun was bigger than the earth. Maybe that’s not a real reason for a strike but I believe it is and I’m sticking to that. If that wasn’t enough for you however, I’ll give you a double whammy. This was the message he sent:

So he hates science and words…I like both of those things so that may not work out.

So...there's that. 



Tuesday, October 8, 2013

Dear normal men: REVEAL YOURSELVES!

You know how everyone always throws out that foolish “you’ll find someone when you’re not even looking!” line? Ya, well those people are liars and I do not love them. I can’t find or stumble upon a normal man to save my life! Also, and I've said this before, but people seem to think that I am a funny person, I am not. I'm genuinely not, my life just tends to be a joke...like a huge lol, rofl joke, things happen in my life that can only happen to me, like no one else will ever experience these things because they are reserved for me. But I digress..let's talk about the most recent highlight in the joke that is my dating life:

It all begins with a story: 

About 2 weeks ago I was traveling for work. I was in Jacksonville, NC. When we got there all I wanted was a beer and sleep…and to see cute military guys, but that’s different story. But, instead of immediately falling asleep I decided to go to the gym and get my jog on! I was so proud of myself! So here I go strutting on down to the gym and I’m on the treadmill doing a quick brisk walk for a warm up and all of a sudden I see this guy. He walks past the gym door, then turns around stares at me through the glass then comes right on in. [I can already tell this isn’t going to end well] I’m still doing my warm up walk at this point and he comes in and gets on the treadmill right beside mine, I already know he’s not there to work out as he’s in flip-flops and cargo shorts. As he’s walking to the treadmill however he looks at me and says “O, I see you. You a dread head. Long hair don’t care, right?” I looked at him absolutely baffled beyond all comprehension and said “I’m not sure what you’re saying.” So he gets on the treadmill and pushes the “quick start” button, but chooses not to move his feet, so the treadmill starts moving but his feet do not, so he goes flying off the treadmill. And all I can do is turn around (while still warming up, because let’s be honest his idiocy will not affect my fit) and I ask “Uhm…are you ok?” and he just nods and hops back on.

This is where the story gets interesting:

1) I start jogging (interesting because if you know me, you know I don’t jog)
2) He’s standing on the sides of his treadmill staring at me…not walking or anything just standing on the sides looking…awkward…he soon launches into a host of questions. Here’s how our conversation goes:

Him: So where you from?
Me: I’m from the Chapel Hill/Durham area.
Him: O, Chapel Hill…there’s a school there right?
Me: Yes. UNC-Chapel Hill.
Him: O, you play basketball?
Me: No.
Him: Hmm…(he looks at me confusedly)

[let’s remember I’m jogging at this point]

Him: Ahh, Ok. So where you from from?
Me: I’m from the Greensboro/Winston Salem area.

[because there was no way I was telling that creepy random guy where I was “from from”]

Him: O, there’s a college there too, right? ECU, right?

Me: No. That’s Greenville.
Him: O, ok. Well Winston definitely has their own school. You ever been to DC?
Me: No, is that where you’re from?
Him: No.
Him: I’m from California. I’m just visiting.

[Why he’s “just visiting” Jacksonville I will never know]

Him: So you got a boyfriend?

[at this point this is all I can think: http://youtu.be/lENx8iQFABE?t=36s]

Me: YES! Yes I do! (I am very confident about my imaginary boyfriend)
Him: Ok…ya ya; that makes sense…what he look like?


Me: I don’t see how that’s any of your concern.
Him: Ok ok.

[so not only am I hot and sweating and gross and did I mention sweating? But now I’ve got this creepy guy asking me loads of questions! Also, this is all taking place over about 20 minutes, sometimes he would just stand on the sides of his treadmill and watch me creepily, other times he would be walking on the treadmill, but I mean not too fast...he had it set at an appropriate 1.3. That way he could get his fit on and ask me 227 questions at the same time without getting tired. I mean makes sense.]

Him: You listen to rap?
Me: On occasion! (the ! is to tell you that I am practically out of breath and patience at this point)
Him: O that’s cool….

[about 3 minutes pass. he’s just a walking along at speed 1.3]

Him: You think I got a big forehead?
Him: What?

[Why is my life so hard?]

Then my jog was over and I could finally leave. For the logical and critical minds out there asking me why I didn’t leave earlier: my friend was there as well and I didn’t want to leave her with creepy man.  So basically as soon as she was done I ran away.

I told you all this story so you could better understand the struggle that is my life. I genuinely can’t meet a normal guy anywhere! I’ve met like 2 people that are normal since I started my online dating journey, but other than that…I’ve got nothing. Like seriously, even when I’m not looking for a guy it seems like all the creepy ones are explicitly searching for me. Sometimes I forget that there are normal guys out there! All I’m coming across are ones that do not understand social norms (i.e. jungle fever guy and this “let’s chit chat while you run” guy). I will persevere!...maybe.

O my.

The struggle is real.



Monday, September 23, 2013

3 strikes.

It’s just all going so well and then BAM sadness and my general lack of faith in our societies young men hit me like a ton of bricks, or in this case: a ton of bad okcupid messages.

I have a very easy to understand policy when it comes to meeting up with someone from OKCupid.  My policy is a simple 3 strikes and then you’re out.

Let’s talk about how my most recent almost date got abruptly cancelled.

Strike 1:
He sent me 3 messages in a row. Now this may seem arbitrary but even doubling up can sometime warrant you a strike, but tripling up????? What are you trying to prove here? That you know how to use a computer? Let’s just all take a chill pill and mellow out some. Sending me 3 messages is a major strike.

[so far it’s only been one strike so it is safe to continue chatting…just do so a little wearily]

Strike 2:
This should have been the icing on the cake, this should have made up strikes 2 and 3 but I was trying to be open-minded! I was trying to not judge people.  After chatting for a bit I received:
“Do you like to cuddle?”

Now mind you this was random and out of the blue, we hadn’t been talking about cuddling (because why would we be?) and then just BAM! I didn’t respond to this message, instead I fell asleep sad at the world for giving a man too much courage that he felt bold enough to ask that.
Also, no. I freaking HATE cuddling.  It is the bane of my existence. So…looks like we were going to be at a standstill there anyhow.

[be a bit more concerned but know that they have 1 more strike]

Strike 3:
After chatting online we decided to exchange numbers. So we’re texting and I’ve almost forgotten about strikes 1 and 2 because he seems so normal and not weird and chill in a way that is cool. Then we get on the subject of college basketball (which if you know me, you know that UNC basketball is what I live for. I wake up every morning and pray that March hurries up and gets here.)
Well, he doesn’t cheer for UNC…(this should have been strike 3 but I’ve been told I can’t strike based on who you cheer for…I disagree but…). While he doesn’t cheer for Duke, he does cheer for Kansas…(if you know anything about college basketball you know why this is almost just as awful in some ways).

So we’re chit chatting about college basketball, it’s lighthearted and funny and I’m almost looking forward to our date the next day! Then he says, “well if we end up together we can buy one of those house divided license plate tags haha.”
The world stopped. Time stood still.

I just looked at my phone. Then I looked around my apartment. Then I looked at something else and then something else. Basically I was trying to find anything to look at that wasn’t that message. I figured if I looked around hard enough the text would disappear…it didn’t.  “if we end up together”????? WE HAVE NEVER MET BEFORE IN MY ENTIRE LIFE. All I could say to myself was well…this is awkward.

He also said in casual conversation, "well down the road we can do this".  DOWN WHAT ROAD?? What road? Where is that road? I'm not on a road. I'm in an airplane, in the sky as far away from a road as humanly possible. 

My roommate said it best, “it just seems like he’s trying to get married tomorrow and we’re NOT trying to get married tomorrow.”

So now I am stuck trying to find a super nice and casual way to cancel my date…

While I didn't go on the date he seemed like a pretty ok guy, I'm just not trying to get married tomorrow.

I think 3 strikes is 2 strikes too many but I am trying to be a more open-minded and accepting person. I’ve been told I’m a little picky, but hey YODO (you only date once).

More soon.


L. Fairley

Wednesday, September 4, 2013

Worst State for love

Hello world!

Sorry that it’s been a month since we last chatted but I was off attempting to be a real person (as we talked about earlier). I go to work at approximately 8:45 am if I’m not running late (which I typically am) and I usually get off around 5/5:15 pm. By then I am genuinely sooooo incredibly tired that I just can’t be bothered to get on OKCupid and deal with the absurdness and sadness that I KNOW will be there.

But I digress. As we have talked about before, OKcupid tries to be SUPER helpful…but they generally fail. I got this map via email a little while ago:

Basically this map sums up where I need to go to find true love…or at least get a date. This map is awkward for a MULTITUDE of reasons:

  1. North Dakota…seriously…North freaking Dakota. No. Just no. Never. For those of you that know me you know I almost moved to North Dakota…maybe I should have?
  3. North Dakota. I still can’t get over this.
  4. Why are no real states on this list (except Virginia, potentially Rhode Island...but that's a little too far north for me)? I’m sad.
  5. I really like Georgia and Washington...
  6. No one needs to tell me that Wyoming is not a good look for me...trust me, I know. 

The funny thing about OKCupid is that they don’t tell you why all of these random states may suit you better than your current state; the entire list is quite arbitrary if we’re being totally honest about. Now don’t let the arbitrariness of the list trick you into thinking that I fully realized it was arbitrary (i.e.: when I saw that NC wasn’t a good state for me my initial reaction was “O God, I will die alone”) I get that that may have been a slight overreaction…but whatevs.