Monday, July 29, 2013

I kinda tricked other people...


Hello everyone!

So when I write blog entry I normally just sit down and tell you all everything that is happening in my joke of an online dating experience and because I know you all (kind of), I just tell you how it is. If I miss a comma it’s ok, you all aren’t judging me (except my mother). The online dating world is a whole new type of game. You all probably know best just how many messages I have ignored because these young (and old) men say things like “hey gurl u cute. Its nice to talk to u” (it genuinely pained me to type that). After receiving loads of messages that look like that I made it my one and only goal to not sound ridiculous when sending messages. That’s genuinely my only goal here, not even to get a date anymore, but to trick people into believing that I am like super smart, classy, and speak English well. I tell you all of this in order to help you understand just how much of my messages are thoroughly planned out in order to make a potential suitor think I’m cool and educated.

This is a real conversation I had a couple of weeks ago with a friend:

Me: Ok so do I respond right away because he seems to be responding fairly quickly…
Her: Well, I mean give it a minute. We better start planning what you’re going to say now.
Me: Ok well he used a lot of words I’ve never heard of…hold on let me google this.

[About 15 minutes goes by of us creating a perfect message of me discussing my fondness for Dante’s Inferno and my love of Purgatory and Paradise, but how they are extremely underrated…(side note: I skimmed purgatory and paradise so I wouldn’t really know) and us having to google a few more words]

[My message ended with an invite for drinks at a local restaurant]

Me: So we’ve got the message.

[my friend proceeds to tell me to read it aloud to her making sure I say all the punctuation as it is typed in the message; i.e. “Hey comma I really liked blah blah blah too exclamation point" we had to make sure it sounded ok] 

Her: Sounds good to me.
Me: Great! Hmmm…do I end with period or an exclamation point?
Her: Throw him a bone, give that man an exclamation point, show some excitement. 

News Flash: in case you didn’t realize before, online dating is a group experience. Your friends are responsible for keeping you sane and your lovely online blogging community keeps it interesting and fun!

Turns out I had still misspelled a few things, but that's neither here nor there. I've looked back on some of the messages I have sent people and I can't help but to think, "Wow, Leigh you misspelled half of those words and it seems like you don't really "get" punctuation. Now, whereas a lot of people would assume that I have learned to be more forgiving after seeing my own mistakes, you would be wrong. Punctuation and spelling mistakes still get my goat.


xoxo,
Leigh

Wednesday, July 17, 2013

OkCupid tricked me and it made me sad.


OkCupid tricked me. It tricked me in a way that made me very angry. So you remember how I was saying that when someone sends you a message OkCupid sends you an email with the first line of the message (so I generally know in advance if I’m going to have a good OkCupid day or a bad OkCupid day). Well I got an email and the only line I could see gave me hope! It read, “Hey! What kind of science programs are you involved with? Science is cool! : )” I WAS SO EXCITED!! I was thinking “there’s NO way this guy is  a big, creepy, weirdo!” I have literally never been more wrong in my entire life. MY WHOLE ENTIRE LIFE. So I didn’t log in as soon as I got it, because you know I didn’t want to seem too anxious…so I waited about 12.5 minutes and then logged on, only to find that those 12.5 minutes of excitement about the potential of receiving a nice message from a guy who could be interesting was a complete and utter lie. This is what the full message said:

Hey! What kind of science programs are you involved with? Science is cool! : )
[I knew I was going to be upset when I saw he had typed more]

I gotta say, I’m a big fan of some jungle fever action; black women are great.
[has he lost his whole entire mind? Also, I don’t know what that means, but I know I’m angry.]

Are you up for drinks this week?
[I would sooner stab myself in the eye with a spoon]

Jim (name has been changed, even though I should have left it so if he ever reads this he can know I’m talking about him and his idiocy).

As you all sit with your jaws on the floor at this monstrosity of a message, let me tell you, my jaw was on the floor as well. I don’t understand people’s incessant need to say horrible things. Jungle fever? What in the world?? And the thing is, I didn’t respond, but I almost feel like I did society a disservice by not telling him that his lack of social skills were appalling. After further investigating his profile it turns out that he’s probably a sociopath…so…we dodged a bullet!...kinda…awkward. On a more serious note: being fetishized because I’m black is not a thing I will tolerate. You either like me because I am awesome, or you don’t. 

Any who…I went on a date last week (not with the sociopath, in case that wasn’t clear)! It was in no way whatsoever a love connection…it wasn’t even really a friend connection, but he was very nice (and as a dear friend of mine would say “being nice doesn’t get you any points, you’re supposed to be a decent human being”).  BUT I am going on a date tonight as well…so stay tuned to hear how it goes!

Next week we’ll discuss the absurd amount of time and thought that goes into an OkCupid message. I’ll give you hint: I had a 5 minute long discussion with my friend about whether to use a period or an exclamation point in a message…and that wasn’t the first time.

xoxox,
Leigh

Tuesday, July 9, 2013

Online dating pic do's and don'ts...scratch that, mainly just don'ts.

So a big part of online dating that everyone spends literally hours trying to do is picking a picture or pictures. There a few key elements to choosing a good picture and you would be surprised by how many people choose poor pictures.  I’ve included many pictures in this blog, but worry not! All of these pictures are of my friends who said I could use them for this purpose or of myself (sacrificing my pride here y'all).


Unhelpful/Bad pictures consist of:

1) Viewers not being able to see your face…like at all. I totally get this whole “let’s not be shallow! Let’s date people based on their personalities!” I understand that! But I think if you have 3 eyes I should know about it in advance. I see many pictures like this, people are wearing ski gear or they are scuba diving. It is nice to see that you do cool stuff but if a picture of you covered literally head to toe is your only picture, we’ve got some issues. A lot people choose pictures where they're doing really cool things or being super fit, which is awesome! except for the fact that that's not helpful. 


"Just getting my Rugby on"

"Skiing! Ya"

2) Pictures that only show your totally ripped abs or incredibly toned back…or that you’ve conveniently cut your head out of…I think this is just weird. Do we really need me to start my “put some clothes on” rant? But it’s more than that, it really is, I think the big question here is why have you specifically avoided the camera??? I just don’t think I’d go on a date with a guy if when we go on a date I have to just wait on you to come up and tap me. In addition to that, I’m assuming we’re going somewhere where a shirt and shoes are required…so that picture of your back is not as helpful as you’d think. The awkward part about is everyday I get messages from guys and the only picture they have up is a picture where THEY HAVE CROPPED THEIR HEAD OUT. It's just awkward for all involved.

Ya bruh! Checkout my striped shirt!


3) Pictures where you could one of 4-10 different people… I used the picture below because I am trying to illustrate a point, no matter how gorgeous you are (as the 4 ladies below are beautiful) if this is your only picture it leaves the viewer wondering hmm…which one of these people am I pursuing? It’s like when you were a kid and you got a cereal that had 1 of 4 different prizes and you didn’t care which one you got as long as you got one?? Well dating should NOT be like that…while all of your options may be great, it’s important to know who the heck you’re talking to. That bottom picture may seem like an exaggeration, but I have honestly seen pictures where guys are like "that's me just chilling on the beach." Seriously? Who? Where are you? There are 4000 other people on that beach and in that picture...you are being less than helpful. 

"That's me!"

"Just me and some friends"

4) I have mentioned this before but I will say it again and I will probably say it again later: if all of your pictures are awkward selfies then you have other problems to deal with…My general rule about selfies is I will give you one…ONE not two and definitely not three. Once you’ve gone beyond that we have a serious issue, and that issue is I’m not going to respond to your message…awkward…Also what is with people taking selfies and having the camera in front of their faces???? Doesn’t that defeat the purpose of a picture?  See examples of both below.




 "OMG selfies!"

I’m just saying, I genuinely think people have forgotten what the main purpose of a picture is…Your OKCupid pictures should demonstrate a few things:

1) You have friends.
2) You have friends that like going places or doing things with you.
3) You know how to properly dress yourself (i.e. you are wearing a shirt, unless you are swimming or are on a beach)
4) You’re a fun social person who knows how to at least kind of be seen in public.

  
Next week friends we’ll hear about the message that will rival ALL other messages I have ever received in my entire life. SPOILER ALERT: by rival I mean made me sad that he was a person that other people may have to talk to at some point in their lives (that may seem harsh but you will understand soon enough).

 xoxox,

Leigh