I kinda tricked other people...

Hello everyone!

So when I write blog entry I normally just sit down and tell you all everything that is happening in my joke of an online dating experience and because I know you all (kind of), I just tell you how it is. If I miss a comma it’s ok, you all aren’t judging me (except my mother). The online dating world is a whole new type of game. You all probably know best just how many messages I have ignored because these young (and old) men say things like “hey gurl u cute. Its nice to talk to u” (it genuinely pained me to type that). After receiving loads of messages that look like that I made it my one and only goal to not sound ridiculous when sending messages. That’s genuinely my only goal here, not even to get a date anymore, but to trick people into believing that I am like super smart, classy, and speak English well. I tell you all of this in order to help you understand just how much of my messages are thoroughly planned out in order to make a potential suitor think I’m cool and educated.

This is a real conversation I had a couple of weeks ago with a friend:

Me: Ok so do I respond right away because he seems to be responding fairly quickly…

Her: Well, I mean give it a minute. We better start planning what you’re going to say now.

Me: Ok well he used a lot of words I’ve never heard of…hold on let me google this.

[About 15 minutes goes by of us creating a perfect message of me discussing my fondness for Dante’s Inferno and my love of Purgatory and Paradise, but how they are extremely underrated…(side note: I skimmed purgatory and paradise so I wouldn’t really know) and us having to google a few more words]

[My message ended with an invite for drinks at a local restaurant]

Me: So we’ve got the message.

[my friend proceeds to tell me to read it aloud to her making sure I say all the punctuation as it is typed in the message; i.e. “Hey comma I really liked blah blah blah too exclamation point" we had to make sure it sounded ok] 

Her: Sounds good to me.

Me: Great! Hmmm…do I end with period or an exclamation point?

Her: Throw him a bone, give that man an exclamation point, show some excitement. 

News Flash: in case you didn’t realize before, online dating is a group experience. Your friends are responsible for keeping you sane and your lovely online blogging community keeps it interesting and fun!

Turns out I had still misspelled a few things, but that's neither here nor there. I've looked back on some of the messages I have sent people and I can't help but to think, "Wow, Leigh you misspelled half of those words and it seems like you don't really "get" punctuation. Now, whereas a lot of people would assume that I have learned to be more forgiving after seeing my own mistakes, you would be wrong. Punctuation and spelling mistakes still get my goat.

xoxo,

Leigh

OkCupid tricked me and it made me sad.

OkCupid tricked me. It tricked me in a way that made me very angry. So you remember how I was saying that when someone sends you a message OkCupid sends you an email with the first line of the message (so I generally know in advance if I’m going to have a good OkCupid day or a bad OkCupid day). Well I got an email and the only line I could see gave me hope! It read, “Hey! What kind of science programs are you involved with? Science is cool! : )” I WAS SO EXCITED!! I was thinking “there’s NO way this guy is  a big, creepy, weirdo!” I have literally never been more wrong in my entire life. MY WHOLE ENTIRE LIFE. So I didn’t log in as soon as I got it, because you know I didn’t want to seem too anxious…so I waited about 12.5 minutes and then logged on, only to find that those 12.5 minutes of excitement about the potential of receiving a nice message from a guy who could be interesting was a complete and utter lie. This is what the full message said:

Hey! What kind of science programs are you involved with? Science is cool! : )

[I knew I was going to be upset when I saw he had typed more]

I gotta say, I’m a big fan of some jungle fever action; black women are great.

[has he lost his whole entire mind? Also, I don’t know what that means, but I know I’m angry.]

Are you up for drinks this week?

[I would sooner stab myself in the eye with a spoon]

Jim (name has been changed, even though I should have left it so if he ever reads this he can know I’m talking about him and his idiocy).

As you all sit with your jaws on the floor at this monstrosity of a message, let me tell you, my jaw was on the floor as well. I don’t understand people’s incessant need to say horrible things. Jungle fever? What in the world?? And the thing is, I didn’t respond, but I almost feel like I did society a disservice by not telling him that his lack of social skills were appalling. After further investigating his profile it turns out that he’s probably a sociopath…so…we dodged a bullet!...kinda…awkward. On a more serious note: being fetishized because I’m black is not a thing I will tolerate. You either like me because I am awesome, or you don’t. 

Any who…I went on a date last week (not with the sociopath, in case that wasn’t clear)! It was in no way whatsoever a love connection…it wasn’t even really a friend connection, but he was very nice (and as a dear friend of mine would say “being nice doesn’t get you any points, you’re supposed to be a decent human being”).  BUT I am going on a date tonight as well…so stay tuned to hear how it goes!

Next week we’ll discuss the absurd amount of time and thought that goes into an OkCupid message. I’ll give you hint: I had a 5 minute long discussion with my friend about whether to use a period or an exclamation point in a message…and that wasn’t the first time.

xoxox,

Leigh

Online dating pic do's and don'ts...scratch that, mainly just don'ts.

So a big part of online dating that everyone spends literally hours trying to do is picking a picture or pictures. There a few key elements to choosing a good picture and you would be surprised by how many people choose poor pictures.  I’ve included many pictures in this blog, but worry not! All of these pictures are of my friends who said I could use them for this purpose or of myself (sacrificing my pride here y'all).

Unhelpful/Bad pictures consist of:

1) Viewers not being able to see your face…like at all. I totally get this whole “let’s not be shallow! Let’s date people based on their personalities!” I understand that! But I think if you have 3 eyes I should know about it in advance. I see many pictures like this, people are wearing ski gear or they are scuba diving. It is nice to see that you do cool stuff but if a picture of you covered literally head to toe is your only picture, we’ve got some issues. A lot people choose pictures where they're doing really cool things or being super fit, which is awesome! except for the fact that that's not helpful. 

"Just getting my Rugby on"

"Skiing! Ya"

2) Pictures that only show your totally ripped abs or incredibly toned back…or that you’ve conveniently cut your head out of…I think this is just weird. Do we really need me to start my “put some clothes on” rant? But it’s more than that, it really is, I think the big question here is why have you specifically avoided the camera??? I just don’t think I’d go on a date with a guy if when we go on a date I have to just wait on you to come up and tap me. In addition to that, I’m assuming we’re going somewhere where a shirt and shoes are required…so that picture of your back is not as helpful as you’d think. The awkward part about is everyday I get messages from guys and the only picture they have up is a picture where THEY HAVE CROPPED THEIR HEAD OUT. It's just awkward for all involved.

Ya bruh! Checkout my striped shirt!

3) Pictures where you could one of 4-10 different people… I used the picture below because I am trying to illustrate a point, no matter how gorgeous you are (as the 4 ladies below are beautiful) if this is your only picture it leaves the viewer wondering hmm…which one of these people am I pursuing? It’s like when you were a kid and you got a cereal that had 1 of 4 different prizes and you didn’t care which one you got as long as you got one?? Well dating should NOT be like that…while all of your options may be great, it’s important to know who the heck you’re talking to. That bottom picture may seem like an exaggeration, but I have honestly seen pictures where guys are like "that's me just chilling on the beach." Seriously? Who? Where are you? There are 4000 other people on that beach and in that picture...you are being less than helpful. 

"That's me!"

"Just me and some friends"

4) I have mentioned this before but I will say it again and I will probably say it again later: if all of your pictures are awkward selfies then you have other problems to deal with…My general rule about selfies is I will give you one…ONE not two and definitely not three. Once you’ve gone beyond that we have a serious issue, and that issue is I’m not going to respond to your message…awkward…Also what is with people taking selfies and having the camera in front of their faces???? Doesn’t that defeat the purpose of a picture?  See examples of both below.

 "OMG selfies!"

I’m just saying, I genuinely think people have forgotten what the main purpose of a picture is…Your OKCupid pictures should demonstrate a few things:

1) You have friends.

2) You have friends that like going places or doing things with you.

3) You know how to properly dress yourself (i.e. you are wearing a shirt, unless you are swimming or are on a beach)

4) You’re a fun social person who knows how to at least kind of be seen in public.

  

Next week friends we’ll hear about the message that will rival ALL other messages I have ever received in my entire life. SPOILER ALERT: by rival I mean made me sad that he was a person that other people may have to talk to at some point in their lives (that may seem harsh but you will understand soon enough).

 xoxox,

Leigh

Mediocre Messages Make Me Sad.

Sometimes I get messages from guys and all I can think is “Dear Lord why me? What did I do? Do I not deserve a literate man who’s capable of completing a sentence?”  The thing about it is I know these men are at least semi literate because they’re typing “sentences”, yes they may be missing a subject or a verb, but they’re still “sentences”. You have no idea how many people send me messages that say things like “you pretty” or even worse “your pretty”, seriously? Can I get an apostrophe?? Sometimes I get messages that are longer but effectively say nothing and that’s what today’s post is going to focus on.  Most of the messages below were sent to me but a couple were sent to a friend of mine, but no matter who they’re going to, they are equally horrible.

1) “You seem fun. may we talk?” –No.

I don’t seem fun, I seem like everyone else on this conflab site. In addition to that I went and checked out how we matched up (based on the answers to all those questions from earlier) we literally had opposite answers for EVERYTHING. I don’t seem fun and if you hate politics and hate discussing politics then I’m probably not going to be very much fun.

2) “How you doing beautiful? I am looking for a friend myself. You should give me a call and help me build us a close friendship. I promise you won't be disappointed. Thank you for your time.”- Literally never.

I don’t want to be your friend at all. You missed an “are” in that first sentence and that bothers me. I will never call you, and do you know why? Because we’re not friends.  I’m already disappointed (especially disappointed that the education system failed you).  You don’t need to thank me for my time, it’s still mine, I gave you none of it.

3) “Hey cutie, you are above average.”- Seriously though, what?

That message basically says “you are distinguishable”. Also, like how above average are we talking here? Am I a B- or a B+? Maybe just a B? I don’t know if he realized that “above average” was NOT a compliment, but someone should probably tell him…Nah, it’s more fun this way.

4) “Marry me! Now before you stop reading…”- Too late, already stopped.

Is there really anything to say here?

All these messages make me sad and tired and sad. I just don’t know what goes through people’s minds when they think of these things! I really just think that a message that says “you’re above average” signals to me that you’re below average and I don’t like that. In time maybe they will change their approach when no one ever responds to them. I’d like to ask the women of online dating to stand with me and not respond to foolishness like this anymore! WE WILL NOT CONTINUE TO REINFORCE POOR CONVERSATIONAL BEHAVIOR!  (the caps were me standing behind a podium and yelling this to the crowd that has gathered to support me).

UPDATE: a guy named “reelneedy1” messaged me this week…why? I just can’t.

Next week, we’ll discuss pictures that are less than helpful and all around just plain suck.

xoxox,

Leigh

What's in a name?

What’s in a name? I’ll tell you…a lot! There’s so much in a name! There are a few things in a name that 1) will stop me from messaging you 2) make you seem like a less legitimate person.  3) make me sad for humanity when I read it.

People that shouldn’t message me:

1) people with Ted in their name. Has anyone ever heard of Ted Bundy? Ya, I’m not trying to get murdered so no. And you would think not too many people have that in their names, wrong. I know this seems trivial but let’s be honest here team: serial killers are real things. Also, I just think people should realize when making their profiles everyone on here already seems dodgy! Why make it worse??? We’re already on a website that’s named after a baby that shoots arrows at people’s hearts…why are we adding fuel to the fire?...it just seems silly…and terrifying. So no, I will not be murdered in the name of a date.

2) If your OKCupid name has anything to do with a cartoon that’s an immediate red flag and do you know why? Because we’re adults. I’m 22 and I have absolutely no time for you foolishness. I don’t need to chit-chat with people whose names are things like “WittleWabbit” or “Teddybearswag” (yes, those are real names I have seen), like seriously just don’t do it. Or you could do it but you never need to message me in your entire life, not only because as I said before, I am an adult, but also because that’s a little creepy.

There’s some names that a list won’t help me explain so I’ll talk about those now:

Screen name: Krackhead.-Do I really need to say anything more? We genuinely have NOTHING to talk about.

Screen name: Imadaddynow.- I went ahead and hid him. You know there are plenty of people out there who don’t mind dating guys with kids and that’s totally fine…I am just not one of those people.

My general rule for how to choose a screen name is similar to the rules of Facebook: if you wouldn't want your parents to see it, don't use it.

There’s another feature on OKCupid that is bothersome to my soul. So if you’re just being a lazy gazy and browsing people’s profiles (which remember you can only do once because it tells them) you can “rank them” from 1-5 stars. What OkCupid doesn’t tell you is that if you rank them a 4 or 5 it emails them telling them you “chose” them. 2 things: 1) chose him? chose him for what??? What does that mean?? I didn’t want them to know I thought they were super fun or cute! I just wanted to be able to easily find them again later in case I wanted to message them! This feature saves all the people you rank so you can easily get back to them. 2) seriously an email?? Really OKCupid? Are you trying to ruin the little game I had?

It’s also really awkward to receive one of those emails because I ask myself the same questions. What have I been chosen for? Did I win a prize??? Did I win the opposite of a prize?

Next week we’ll meet again to discuss messages that say more than “Hi” but still effectively say nothing and make me just as sad.

xoxox,

Leigh

There's a couple kinks we need to work out...

OKCupid likes to try to be really helpful and suggest people that you may be interested in based on your likes, dislikes and your answers to those random questions I mentioned earlier. Sometimes they fail and they suggest people that I would never talk to and have no interest in every meeting in my entire life. I’d like to introduce you all to one of these individuals now:

Right! Glad you clarified!! I was starting to worry. And you know he will find someone out there who understands him...that person just isn't me.

I like to think I'm a very open minded and accepting person, but this is just something that I'm not really about…like at all. I’m sure he’s…fun?...nice?...maybe? I don’t know. 

OKCupid does a few things that I am trying to work around in order to demonstrate to the world that I am real person and that I understand, accept, and act in ways that are deemed socially acceptable.

1) They send you an email every time someone messages you, but they don’t include the person’s picture or any important information from their profile (i.e. height, interests, if they are Satanist…you know the norm)

Why this is uncomfortable:

It requires you to login and look at the person’s profile, which would be fine except for…(please see number 2)

2) They broadcast to the entire world when the last time you logged on was, down to the second.

This is uncomfortable because:

Before I get out of bed every morning for work at 7:15 AM I always check my email.  OKCupid send you the first couple of lines of the person’s message but you can almost never see the entire message (naturally) so it forces you to get online if you want to read the entire thing, which would be fine except for the fact that it’s currently 7:15 A.M. and it will broadcasted to all of OKCupid when I got online last. I just think being on OKCupid at 7:15 AM screams “DESPERATE DESPERATE I AM REALLY DESPERATE” or “I don’t have anything real to do with my life or time so here I am at 7:15 am”; when in reality it’s the complete opposite! I’m up at that terrible hour because I have a job and places to be. What time is socially acceptable to log on to your OKCupid?  I’ve decided it’s a safe bet to log on after 5:50 PM because that says “Hey potential suitors! I was busy all day, and then I came home and maybe watered my plants or let out my dog, and after all of that I got on here super casually because you know…NBD.”

(No worries all of these things will soon lead into the older white man travesty that occurred)

3) Every single time you view someone’s profile a little box appears in the bottom right hand side of their screen that says, “SoandSo just viewed your profile!”

This is only EXTREMELY UNCOMFORTABLE because:

You click on someone’s profile and here’s what happens:

-“SoandSo just viewed your profile!”

-you go to click on pictures but accidentally click on OKCupid home button (because they are awkwardly close)

-you go back to their profile to start over

-“SoandSo just viewed your profile!”

-you’re more careful, you view and you’re ready to go!

-you go to respond to their message or send them a message but you can’t remember if they said they liked 30 Rock or The Big Bang Theory

-you go back to their profile to double check

-“SoandSo just viewed your profile!”

-REPEAT AWKWARDNESS

This person now knows that you went back and forth to their profile 3-4 times and it makes you look like a HUGE creep.

Some of you may be thinking, “Leigh you’re just overreacting! That’s NOT a big deal!” Well let me tell you it is. I have been the person who sees “SoandSo just viewed your profile!” pop up on the bottom of my screen 4 times and it’s weird. That only happens when the other person is online, when they're not online they still get a notification that you viewed their profile...

“Hey cutie. You like older white men?”

Uhm excuse me, what?  That was the message I received from an older white man on OKCupid (and by older I mean 40). First, I love old people! Anyone who knows me knows that, so at first I was like “HELLZ YA I DO!” then I got what he was actually asking and realized…this is tad bit awkward. Anyone who knows me also knows that people announcing their race or distinguishing me by mine makes me SUPER uncomfortable…also it’s just super weird. Anyhow I thought to myself after I got that message, “I love older white dudes, some of my best friends dads are older white dudes and I think they’re awesome! Papa Kiser, Mr. Gooding, and a slew of others” then I realized I don’t need another older white father and that made things awkward so I just kindly and quietly kept it moving.

Repeat offenders

So some of you may know this was not my first attempt at online dating. While on another site about a year ago I got 2 messages from the same guy about a months apart; I never responded because 1) “Hey, what u up 2?” 2) we had nothing in common. After closing that account about 5 months went by and someone convinced me to try OKCupid because it was “less dodgy” (right…we see how that’s going) after about a week I got a message from the SAME guy. I knew it was him because 1) “Hey, what u up 2?” 2) we still had nothing in common 3) REPEAT OFFENDERS DO NOT GET ACKNOWLEDGED, because they should be able to take a hint. As mean as that sounds it’s the truth, I would never continue to message someone who hadn’t messaged me back…because that would make things awkward (awkward is today’s blogs theme).

It’s been a rough ride.

Next time we’re all here together we’ll talk about more OKCupid functions that are slowly ruining my life and what’s in an OKCupid name and how does that affect my response rate.

xoxox

Leigh

3 days in! Still going STRONG...kinda!

When you begin online dating you are a new fish entering into a medium to large size pool, so for the first few days you get bombarded by every guy who hasn’t seen you or made a love connection, and they are hoping you are the one…I’m not.

 

Before we get into what's been happening I want to address this whole idea that online dating is bad or weird or cause to be super sneaky…I actually think this is the best invention since sliced bread…or beer (sorry mom). I get the chance to decide if I want to go on a date with you BEFORE I waste my time and good make up getting ready! In real life you meet someone by chance or through a friend and you normally have what 10 -20 minutes to figure this person out? Ok Cupid has given me the opportunity to see if you make a good impression before we’re face to face and it’s super awkward because I didn’t know until then that you were a grown man who still doesn’t know how to do laundry…One of my good friends saw I was writing this blog and said “ Oh my gosh!!! You outted yourself as an online dater!!!" Uhh…did I miss something? I wasn’t selling American secrets to foreign countries, I am not a serial killer, I don’t kill small animals…what’s the issue? I believe it’s about time people start being more selective with what they’re embarrassed about.

Moving on:

So many things are happening in my OK Cupid life but I want to write about them in the order in which they are occurring! First things first maybe it's just me, maybe it's my own personal biases but I am learning a lot about what I think people my age should be doing and should not be doing. And a lot of guys are doing a lot of weird stuff.  

1)      Grown men should not be wearing colored contacts. Is it just me or what? I thought that was a thing when I was in like 7th grade.  Apparently I’m wrong and that's still a thing that happens…I had no idea. I get maybe he can’t see, but I don’t think the bright blue contacts you’re wearing are going to help you too much…maybe I’m wrong…but I don’t think so.

2)      The golden rule of online dating: If you don’t have anything to say to me don’t message me. So I got a message from a guy on my OkCupid account and all it said was “hi cutie.” Well first things first never send me a message the just says “hi” that's weird…like you didn't read my profile did you? You obviously have nothing to talk to me about. If you did you would have led off with something like “My chaco’s are my life too!” The “hi” says to me you didn’t read…so it gets really awkward when I get a message from a guy and he likes everything I hate…I’m glad neither of us wasted any more time (see why online dating is awesome from above).

 

Now about the guys that messaged me the day I set up my profile. The first guy was from England and at first I thought maybe he was just from England but lived in the US, (I should have known from the beginning that that would have made way too much sense) so I message him back something like “hey good to hear from you” (I can send back boring messages if I choose to because you initiated this conversation and I have just as little to say to “hi” as you would expect).  Anyhow, we start chatting it up a bit and finally I ask him if he's actually in the Raleigh-Durham area or in England? He responded with “ha ha yeah I actually live in England.” I looked away from the computer and up to the heavens in hopes of better understanding why on God’s green earth he thought he would message me.  I’m not his buddy, I’m not looking for a pen pal, he can’t take me on a date if he’s on another continent.  So I messaged him back and asked why he’d sent me a message if he's in England and I'm in America? Know what he responded with? He said “that's where all the pretty nice girls are here. ;)”  I thought to myself, while you're correct about that, this is also useless and just a little odd don’t you think?  And seriously never send me a winky face. I don’t know if I feel that way because I can’t wink very well or because no one should ever wink at me in real life…online winking is just as terrifying.

Now the other character we need to discuss is the young man who sent me 7 messages in the course of about…ahh I’d say two minutes. There were a few problems with him. 1) this is what our conversation looked like:

9:01- Him: Hi!

9:01- Him: How are you?

9:01- Him: r u there? (as a side note: for 4 more letters he could have spelled out all of the words! Yet, he chose to be illiterate.)

9:01- Him: hello?

9:02- Me: Hello.

9:02- Him: Hey! What’s up?

9:02- Him- gone again?

9:02- Him: hello?

Do we really need to talk about this anymore? It physically pains me to think about it again. 2) I’m 90% sure he was lying about his age, kid was no older than 18 (but was trying hard to pull of 23).  By the last message at 9:02 P.M. I wasn’t just overwhelmed but I was also super over it because calm it down crazy when I get a chance to respond I will! Maybe... So after all of his messages it just seemed appropriate to completely ignore him because he turned out to be kind of weirdo. 

Also, what about OkCupid makes people want to take stupid pictures?  1) why aren’t you wearing a shirt? Where has it gone? Did someone steal it, if so call 911! Don’t just be all hunky doory about it and take a picture! If you’re not on a beach or in a boat you need to be fully dressed.

Along the same lines, what is it with all the awkward selfies? Like seriously where are your friends? 1 selfie I will give you, 7 selfies…it’s time to get off OK Cupid and join a team of some sort.

As I was discussing earlier, I want to document my OKCupid journey as it happens! Meaning next week you will learn about “older white men” (his words not mine) as well as repeat offenders.

xoxox,

Leigh